Updated 30 September 2008
Spread the Stupidity
EVER WONDER ..
Only in America ..... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two
words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'!!
2008 A B & C'S
A is for apple, and B is for boat. That used to be right, but now it won't
float!
Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic
instead.
Now...
The Alphabet 2008
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, Perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I' d rather it be low,
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low,
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill and I'll be good
as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow,
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X- ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have -- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Smile...
Marriage
changes passion. Suddenly, you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a
woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So, I said
'Implants?' That's when she hit me.
How come we
choose from just two people to run for president, and over fifty for Miss
America ?
Now that
food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up
for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD
any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was
young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue
with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it
be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt
Delete' and start all over?
Why is it
that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't
you know it...
Brain cells
come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I
have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be
displayed outside?
Bumper
sticker of the year:
'If you can
read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier.'
And
remember:
Life is
like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer
it gets to the end,
The faster
it goes!
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For Today
:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?
Moo Shoe Pork
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)
& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
&Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of The Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.